Wild

↓ download  Format Kindle Wild ⟦ Kindle Ebook Author Cheryl Strayed ⡲ ↓ download Format Kindle Wild ⟦ Kindle Ebook Author Cheryl Strayed ⡲ THE TEN THOUSAND THINGSMy solo three month hike on the Pacific Crest Trail had many beginnings There was the first, flip decision to do it, followed by the second, serious decision to actually do it, and then the long third beginning, composed of weeks of shopping and packing and preparing to do it There was the quitting my job as a waitress and finalizing my divorce and selling almost everything I owned and saying goodbye to my friends and visiting my mothers grave one last time There was the driving across the country from Minneapolis to Portland, Oregon, and, a few days later, catching a flight to Los Angeles and a ride to the town of Mojave and another ride to the place where the PCT crossed a highway.At which point, at long last, there was the actual doing it, quickly followed by the grim realization of what it meant to do it, followed by the decision to quit doing it because doing it was absurd and pointless and ridiculously difficult and far than I expected doing it would be and I was profoundly unprepared to do it.And then there was the real live truly doing it.The staying and doing it, in spite of everything In spite of the bears and the rattlesnakes and the scat of the mountain lions I never saw the blisters and scabs and scrapes and lacerations The exhaustion and the deprivation the cold and the heat the monotony and the pain the thirst and the hunger the glory and the ghosts that haunted me as I hikedbeleven hundred miles from the Mojave Desert to the state of Washington by myself.And finally, once Id actually gone and done it, walked all those miles for all those days, there was the realization that what Id thought was the beginning had not really been the beginning at all That in truth my hike on the Pacific Crest Trail hadnt begun when I made the snap deci sion to do it It had begun before I even imagined it, precisely four years, seven months, and three days before, when Id stood in a little room at the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, Minnesota, and learned that my mother was going to die.I was wearing green Green pants, green shirt, green bow in my hair It was an outfit that my mother had sewnshed made clothes for me all of my life Some of them were just what I dreamed of having, others less so I wasnt crazy about the green pantsuit, but I wore it anyway, as a penance, as an offering, as a talisman.All that day of the green pantsuit, as I accompanied my mother and stepfather, Eddie, from floor to floor of the Mayo Clinic while my mother went from one test to another, a prayer marched through my head, though prayer is not the right word to describe that march I wasnt humble before God I didnt even believe in God My prayer was not Please, God, take mercy on us.I was not going to ask for mercy I didnt need to My mother was forty five She looked fine For a good number of years shed mostly been a vegetarian Shed planted marigolds around her garden to keep bugs away instead of using pesticides My siblings and I had been made to swallow raw cloves of garlic when we had colds People like my mother did not get cancer The tests at the Mayo Clinic would prove that, refut ing what the doctors in Duluth had said I was certain of this Who were those doctors in Duluth anyway What was Duluth Duluth Duluth was a freezing hick town where doctors who didnt know what the hell they were talking about told forty five year old vegetarian ish, garlic eating, natural remedy using nonsmokers that they had late stage lung cancer, thats what.Fuck them That was my prayer Fuckthemfuckthemfuckthem And yet, here was my mother at the Mayo Clinic getting worn out if she had to be on her feet for than three minutes You want a wheelchair Eddie asked her when we came upon a row of them in a long carpeted hall.She doesnt need a wheelchair, I said.Just for a minute, said my mother, almost collapsing into one, her eyes meeting mine before Eddie wheeled her toward the elevator.I followed behind, not allowing myself to think a thing We were finally on our way up to see the last doctor The real doctor, we kept call ing him The one who would gather everything that had been gathered about my mom and tell us what was true As the elevator car lifted, my mother reached out to tug at my pants, rubbing the green cotton between her fingers proprietarily.Perfect, she said.I was twenty two, the same age she was when shed been pregnant with me She was going to leave my life at the same moment that I came into hers, I thought For some reason that sentence came fully formed into my head just then, temporarily blotting out the Fuck them prayer I almost howled in agony I almost choked to death on what I knew before I knew I was going to live the rest of my life without my mother I pushed the fact of it away with everything in me I couldnt let myself believe it then and there in that elevator and also go on breathing, so I let myself believe other things instead Such as if a doctor told you that you were going to die soon, youd be taken to a room with a gleaming wooden desk.This was not so.We were led into an examining room, where a nurse instructed my mother to remove her shirt and put on a cotton smock with strings that dangled at her sides When my mother had done so, she climbed onto a padded table with white paper stretched over it Each time she moved, the room was on fire with the paper ripping and crinkling beneath her I could see her naked back, the small curve of flesh beneath her waist She was not going to die Her naked back seemed proof of that I was staring at it when the real doctor came into the room and said my mother would be lucky if she lived a year He explained that they would not attempt to cure her, that she was incurable There was nothing that could have been done, he told us Finding it so late was common, when it came to lung cancer.But shes not a smoker, I countered, as if I could talk him out of the diagnosis, as if cancer moved along reasonable, negotiable lines She only smoked when she was younger She hasnt had a cigarette for years.The doctor shook his head sadly and pressed on He had a job to do They could try to ease the pain in her back with radiation, he offered Radiation might reduce the size of the tumors that were growing along the entire length of her spine.I did not cry I only breathed Horribly Intentionally And then for got to breathe Id fainted oncefurious, age three, holding my breath because I didnt want to get out of the bathtub, too young to remember it myself What did you do What did you do Id asked my mother all through my childhood, making her tell me the story again and again, amazed and delighted by my own impetuous will Shed held out her hands and watched me turn blue, my mother had always told me Shed waited me out until my head fell into her palms and I took a breath and came back to life Breathe.Can I ride my horse my mother asked the real doctor She sat with her hands folded tightly together and her ankles hooked one to the other Shackled to herself.In reply, he took a pencil, stood it upright on the edge of the sink, and tapped it hard on the surface This is your spine after radiation, he said One jolt and your bones could crumble like a dry cracker.We went to the womens restroom Each of us locked in separate stalls, weeping We didnt exchange a word Not because we felt so alone in our grief, but because we were so together in it, as if we were one body instead of two I could feel my mothers weight leaning against the door, her hands slapping slowly against it, causing the entire frame of the bath room stalls to shake Later we came out to wash our hands and faces, watching each other in the bright mirror.We were sent to the pharmacy to wait I sat between my mother and Eddie in my green pantsuit, the green bow miraculously still in my hair There was a big bald boy in an old mans lap There was a woman who had an arm that swung wildly from the elbow She held it stiffly with the other hand, trying to calm it She waited We waited There was a beautiful dark haired woman who sat in a wheelchair She wore a purple hat and a handful of diamond rings We could not take our eyes off her She spoke in Spanish to the people gathered around her, her family and perhaps her husband.Do you think she has cancer my mother whispered loudly to me Eddie sat on my other side, but I could not look at him If I looked at him we would both crumble like dry crackers I thought about my older sister, Karen, and my younger brother, Leif About my husband, Paul, and about my mothers parents and sister, who lived a thousand miles away What they would say when they knew How they would cry My prayer was different now A year, a year, a year. Those two words beat like a heart in my chest.Thats how long my mother would live.What are you thinking about I asked her There was a song coming over the waiting room speakers A song without words, but my mother knew the words anyway and instead of answering my question she sang them softly to me Paper roses, paper roses, oh how real those roses seemed to be, she sang She put her hand on mine and said, I used to listen to that song when I was young Its funny to think of that To think about listening to the same song now I wouldve never known.My mothers name was called then her prescriptions were ready.Go get them for me, she said Tell them who you are Tell them youre my daughter.I was her daughter, but I was Karen, Cheryl, Leif Karen Cheryl Leif KarenCherylLeif Our names blurred into one in my mothers mouth all my life She whispered it and hollered it, hissed it and crooned it We were her kids, her comrades, the end of her and the beginning We took turns riding shotgun with her in the car Do I love you this much shed ask us, holding her hands six inches apart No, wed say, with sly smiles Do I love you this much shed ask again, and on and on and on, each time moving her hands farther apart But she would never get there, no matter how wide she stretched her arms The amount that she loved us was beyond her reach It could not be quantified or contained It was the ten thousand named things in the Tao Te Chings universe and then ten thousand Her love was full throated and all encompassing and unadorned Every day she blew through her entire reserve.She grew up an army brat and Catholic She lived in five different states and two countries before she was fifteen She loved horses and Hank Williams and had a best friend named Babs Nineteen and preg nant, she married my father Three days later, he knocked her around the room She left and came back Left and came back She would not put up with it, but she did He broke her nose He broke her dishes He skinned her knees dragging her down a sidewalk in broad daylight by her hair But he didnt break her By twenty eight she managed to leave him for the last time.She was alone, with KarenCherylLeif riding shotgun in her car.By then we lived in a small town an hour outside of Minneapolis in a series of apartment complexes with deceptively upscale names Mill Pond and Barbary Knoll, Tree Loft and Lake Grace Manor She had one job, then another She waited tables at a place called the Norseman and then a place called Infinity, where her uniform was a black T shirt that said go for it in rainbow glitter across her chest She worked the day shift at a factory that manufactured plastic containers capable of holding highly corrosive chemicals and brought the rejects home Trays and boxes that had been cracked or clipped or misaligned in the machine We made them into toysbeds for our dolls, ramps for our cars She worked and worked and worked, and still we were poor We received government cheese and powdered milk, food stamps and medical assistance cards, and free presents from do gooders at Christmastime We played tag and red light green light and charades by the apartment mail boxes that you could open only with a key, waiting for checks to arrive.We arent poor, my mother said, again and again Because were rich in love She would mix food coloring into sugar water and pretend with us that it was a special drink Sarsaparilla or Orange Crush or lemonade Shed ask, Would you like another drink, madam in a snooty British voice that made us laugh every time She would spread her arms wide and ask us how much and there would never be an end to the game She loved us than all the named things in the world She was optimistic and serene, except a few times when she lost her temper and spanked us with a wooden spoon Or the one time when she screamed FUCK and broke down crying because we wouldnt clean our room She was kindhearted and forgiving, generous and naive She dated men with names like Killer and Doobie and Motorcycle Dan and one guy named Victor who liked to downhill ski They would give us five dollar bills to buy candy from the store so they could be alone in the apartment with our mom.Look both ways, shed call after us as we fled like a pack of hungry dogs.When she met Eddie, she didnt think it would work because he was eight years younger than she, but they fell in love anyway Karen and Leif and I fell in love with him too He was twenty five when we met him and twenty seven when he married our mother and promised to be our father a carpenter who could make and fix anything We left the apartment complexes with fancy names and moved with him into a rented ramshackle farmhouse that had a dirt floor in the basement and four different colors of paint on the outside The winter after my mother married him, Eddie fell off a roof on the job and broke his back A year later, he and my mom took the twelve thousand dollar settlement he received and with it bought forty acres of land in Aitkin County, an hour and a half west of Duluth, paying for it outright in cash.There was no house No one had ever had a house on that land Our forty acres were a perfect square of trees and bushes and weedy grasses, swampy ponds and bogs clotted with cattails There was nothing to dif ferentiate it from the trees and bushes and grasses and ponds and bogs that surrounded it in every direction for miles Together we repeatedly walked the perimeter of our land in those first months as landowners, pushing our way through the wilderness on the two sides that didnt border the road, as if to walk it would seal it off from the rest of the world, make it ours And, slowly, it did Trees that had once looked like any other to me became as recognizable as the faces of old friends in a crowd, their branches gesturing with sudden meaning, their leaves beckoning like identifiable hands Clumps of grass and the edges of the now familiar bog became landmarks, guides, indecipherable to everyone but us.We called it up north while we were still living in the town an hour outside of Minneapolis For six months, we went up north only on weekends, working furiously to tame a patch of the land and build a one room tarpaper shack where the five of us could sleep In early June, when I was thirteen, we moved up north for good Or rather, my mother, Leif, Karen, and I did, along with our two horses, our cats and our dogs, and a box of ten baby chicks my mom got for free at the feed store for buying twenty five pounds of chicken feed Eddie would continue driving up on weekends throughout the summer and then stay come fall His back had healed enough that he could finally work again, and hed secured a job as a carpenter during the busy season that was too lucrative to pass up.KarenCherylLeif were alone with our mother againjust as wed been during the years that shed been single Waking or sleeping that summer, we were scarcely out of one anothers sight and seldom saw anyone else We were twenty miles away from two small towns in opposite directions Moose Lake to the east McGregor to the northwest In the fall wed attend school in McGregor, the smaller of the two, with a population of four hundred, but all summer long, aside from the occasional visitor far flung neighbors who stopped by to introduce themselvesit was us and our mom We fought and talked and made up jokes and diversions in order to pass the time Who am I wed ask one another over and over again, playing a game in which the person who was it had to think of someone, famous or not, and the others would guess who it was based on an infinite number of yes or no questions Are you a man Are you American Are you dead Are you Charles Manson We played it while planting and maintaining a garden that would sustain us through the winter in soil that had been left to its own devices throughout millennia, and while making steady progress on the con struction of the house we were building on the other side of our property and hoped to complete by summers end We were swarmed by mosqui toes as we worked, but my mother forbade us to use DEET or any other such brain destroying, earth polluting, future progeny harming chemical Instead, she instructed us to slather our bodies with pennyroyal or peppermint oil In the evenings, we would make a game of counting the bites on our bodies by candlelight The numbers would be seventy nine, eighty six, one hundred and three.Youll thank me for this someday, my mother always said when my siblings and I complained about all the things we no longer had Wed never lived in luxury or even like those in the middle class, but we had lived among the comforts of the modern age There had always been a television in our house, not to mention a flushable toilet and a tap where you could get yourself a glass of water In our new life as pioneers, even meeting the simplest needs often involved a grueling litany of tasks, rig orous and full of boondoggle Our kitchen was a Coleman camp stove, a fire ring, an old fashioned icebox Eddie built that depended on actual ice to keep things even mildly cool, a detached sink propped against an outside wall of the shack, and a bucket of water with a lid on it Each component demanded just slightly less than it gave, needing to be tended and maintained, filled and unfilled, hauled and dumped, pumped and primed and stoked and monitored.Karen and I shared a bed on a lofted platform built so close to theStra_9780307592736_3p_all_r1.indd 16 9 7 11 10 47 AM17ceiling we could just barely sit up Leif slept a few feet away on his own smaller platform, and our mother was in a bed on the floor below, joined by Eddie on the weekends Every night we talked one another to sleep, slumber party style There was a skylight window in the ceiling that ran the length of the platform bed I shared with Karen, its transparent pane only a few feet from our faces Each night the black sky and the bright stars were my stunning companions occasionally Id see their beauty and solemnity so plainly that Id realize in a piercing way that my mother was right That someday I would be grateful and that in fact I was grateful now, that I felt something growing in me that was strong and real.It was the thing that had grown in me that Id remember years later, when my life became unmoored by sorrow The thing that would make me believe that hiking the Pacific Crest Trail was my way back to the person I used to be.On Halloween night we moved into the house wed built out of trees and scrap wood It didnt have electricity or running water or a phone or an indoor toilet or even a single room with a door All through my teen years, Eddie and my mom kept building it, adding on, making it better My mother planted a garden and canned and pickled and froze vegetables in the fall She tapped the trees and made maple syrup, baked bread and carded wool, and made her own fabric dyes out of dandelions and broccoli leaves.I grew up and left home for college in the Twin Cities at a school called St Thomas, but not without my mom My acceptance letter men tioned that parents of students could take classes at St Thomas for free Much as she liked her life as a modern pioneer, my mother had always wanted to get her degree We laughed about it together, then pondered it in private She was forty, too old for college now, my mother said when we discussed it, and I couldnt disagree Plus, St Thomas was a three hour drive away We kept talking and talking until at last we had a deal she would go to St Thomas but we would have separate lives, dictated by me I would live in the dorm and she would drive back and forth If our paths crossed on campus she would not acknowledge me unless I acknowledged her first.All this is probably for nothing, she said once wed hatched the plan Most likely Ill flunk out anyway To prepare, she shadowed me during the last months of my senior year of high school, doing all the home work that I was assigned, honing her skills She replicated my worksheets, wrote the same papers I had to write, read every one of the books I graded her work, using my teachers marks as a guide I judged her a shaky student at best.She went to college and earned straight As.Sometimes I hugged her exuberantly when I saw her on campus other times I sailed on by, as if she were no one to me at all.We were both seniors in college when we learned she had cancer By then we werent at St Thomas any Wed both transferred to the University of Minnesota after that first yearshe to the Duluth campus, I to the one in Minneapolisand, much to our amusement, we shared a major She was double majoring in womens studies and history, I in womens studies and English At night, wed talk for an hour on the phone I was married by then, to a good man named Paul Id married him in the woods on our land, wearing a white satin and lace dress my mother had sewn.After she got sick, I folded my life down I told Paul not to count on me I would have to come and go according to my mothers needs I wanted to quit school, but my mother ordered me not to, begging me, no matter what happened, to get my degree She herself took what she called a break She only needed to complete a couple classes to graduate, and she would, she told me She would get her BA if it killed her, she said, and we laughed and then looked at each other darkly Shed do the work from her bed Shed tell me what to type and Id type it She would be strong enough to start in on those last two classes soon, she absolutely knew I stayed in school, though I convinced my professors to allow me to be in class only two days each week As soon as those two days were over, I raced home to be with my mother Unlike Leif and Karen, who could hardly bear to be in our mothers presence once she got sick, I couldnt bear to be away from her Plus, I was needed Eddie was with her when he could be, but he had to work Someone had to pay the bills.I cooked food that my mother tried to eat, but rarely could she eat Shed think she was hungry and then shed sit like a prisoner staring down at the food on her plate It looks good, shed say I think Ill be able to eat it later.I scrubbed the floors I took everything from the cupboards and put new paper down My mother slept and moaned and counted and swallowed her pills On good days she sat in a chair and talked to me.There was nothing much to say Shed been so transparent and effu sive and I so inquisitive that wed already covered everything I knew that her love for me was vaster than the ten thousand things and also the ten thousand things beyond that I knew the names of the horses she had loved as a girl Pal and Buddy and Bacchus I knew shed lost her virginity at seventeen with a boy named Mike I knew how she met my father the next year and what he seemed like to her on their first few dates How, when shed broken the news of her unwed teen pregnancy to her parents, her father had dropped a spoon I knew she loathed going to confession and also the very things that shed confessed Cursing and sassing off to her mom, bitching about having to set the table while her much younger sister played Wearing dresses out the door on her way to school and then changing into the jeans shed stashed in her bag All through my childhood and adolescence Id asked and asked, making her describe those scenes and , wanting to know who said what and how, what shed felt inside while it was going on, where so and so stood and what time of day it was And shed told me, with reluctance or relish, laughing and asking why on earth I wanted to know I wanted to know I couldnt explain.But now that she was dying, I knew everything My mother was in me already Not just the parts of her that I knew, but the parts of her that had come before me too.It wasnt long that I had to go back and forth between Minneapolis and home A little than a month The idea that my mother would live a year quickly became a sad dream Wed gone to the Mayo Clinic on Feb ruary 12 By the third of March, she had to go to the hospital in Duluth, seventy miles away, because she was in so much pain As she dressed to go, she found that she couldnt put on her own socks and she called me into her room and asked me to help She sat on the bed and I got down on my knees before her I had never put socks on another person, and it was harder than I thought it would be They wouldnt slide over her skin They went on crooked I became furious with my mother, as if she were purposely holding her foot in a way that made it impossible for me She sat back, leaning on her hands on the bed, her eyes closed I could hear her breathing deeply, slowly.God damn it, I said Help me.My mother looked down at me and didnt say a word for several moments.Honey, she said eventually, gazing at me, her hand reaching to stroke the top of my head It was a word she used often throughout my childhood, delivered in a highly specific tone This is not the way I wanted it to be, that single honey said, but it was the way it was It was this very acceptance of suffering that annoyed me most about my mom, her unending optimism and cheer.Lets go, I said after Id wrestled her shoes on.Her movements were slow and thick as she put on her coat She held on to the walls as she made her way through the house, her two beloved dogs following her as she went, pushing their noses into her hands and thighs I watched the way she patted their heads I didnt have a prayer any The words fuck them were two dry pills in my mouth.Bye, darlings, she said to the dogs Bye, house, she said as she followed me out the door.It hadnt occurred to me that my mother would die Until she was dying, the thought had never entered my mind She was monolithic and insurmountable, the keeper of my life She would grow old and still work in the garden This image was fixed in my mind, like one of the memo ries from her childhood that Id made her explain so intricately that I remembered it as if it were mine She would be old and beautiful like the black and white photo of Georgia OKeeffe Id once sent her I held fast to this image for the first couple of weeks after we left the Mayo Clinic, and then, once she was admitted to the hospice wing of the hospital in Duluth, that image unfurled, gave way to others, modest and true I imagined my mother in October I wrote the scene in my mind And then the one of my mother in August and another in May Each day that passed, another month peeled away.On her first day in the hospital, a nurse offered my mother morphine, but she refused Morphine is what they give to dying people, she said Morphine means theres no hope.But she held out against it for only one day She slept and woke, talked and laughed She cried from the pain I camped out during the days with her and Eddie took the nights Leif and Karen stayed away, making excuses that I found inexplicable and infuriating, though their absencedidnt seem to bother my mom She was preoccupied with nothing but eradicating her pain, an impossible task in the spaces of time between the doses of morphine We could never get the pillows right One after noon, a doctor Id never seen came into the room and explained that my mother was actively dying.But its only been a month, I said indignantly The other doctor told us a year.He made no reply He was young, perhaps thirty He stood next to my mother, a gentle hairy hand slung into his pocket, looking down at her in the bed From this point on, our only concern is that shes comfortable.Comfortable, and yet the nurses tried to give her as little morphine as they could One of the nurses was a man, and I could see the outline of his penis through his tight white nurses trousers I wanted desperately to pull him into the small bathroom beyond the foot of my mothers bed and offer myself up to him, to do anything at all if he would help us And also I wanted to take pleasure from him, to feel the weight of his body against me, to feel his mouth in my hair and hear him say my name to me over and over again, to force him to acknowledge me, to make this matter to him, to crush his heart with mercy for us.When my mother asked him for morphine, she asked for it in a way that I have never heard anyone ask for anything A mad dog He did not look at her when she asked him this, but at his wristwatch He held the same expression on his face regardless of the answer Sometimes he gave it to her without a word, and sometimes he told her no in a voice as soft as his penis in his pants My mother begged and whimpered then She cried and her tears fell in the wrong direction Not down over the light of her cheeks to the corners of her mouth, but away from the edges of her eyes to her ears and into the nest of her hair on the bed.She didnt live a year She didnt live to October or August or May She lived forty nine days after the first doctor in Duluth told her she had cancer thirty four after the one at the Mayo Clinic did But each day was an eternity, one stacked up on the other, a cold clarity inside of a deep haze.Leif didnt come to visit her Karen came once after Id insisted she must I was in heartbroken and enraged disbelief I dont like seeing her this way, my sister would offer weakly when we spoke, and then burst into tears I couldnt speak to my brotherwhere he was during those weeks was a mystery to Eddie and me One friend told us he was stay ing with a girl named Sue in St Cloud Another spotted him ice fishing on Sheriff Lake I didnt have time to do much about it, consumed as I was each day at my mothers side, holding plastic pans for her to retch into, adjusting the impossible pillows again and again, hoisting her up and onto the potty chair the nurses had propped near her bed, cajoling her to eat a bite of food that shed vomit up ten minutes later Mostly, I watched her sleep, the hardest task of all, to see her in repose, her face still pinched with pain Each time she moved, the IV tubes that dangled all around her swayed and my heart raced, afraid shed disturb the nee dles that attached the tubes to her swollen wrists and hands.How are you feeling Id coo hopefully when she woke, reaching through the tubes to smooth her flattened hair into place.Oh, honey, was all she could say most times And then shed look away.I roamed the hospital hallways while my mother slept, my eyes darting into other peoples rooms as I passed their open doors, catching glimpses of old men with bad coughs and purpled flesh, women with bandages around their fat knees.How are you doing the nurses would ask me in melancholy tones Were holding up, Id say, as if I were a we But it was just me My husband, Paul, did everything he could to make me feel less alone He was still the kind and tender man Id fallen for a few years before, the one Id loved so fiercely Id shocked every one by marrying just shy of twenty, but once my mother started dying, something inside of me was dead to Paul, no matter what he did or said Still, I called him each day from the pay phone in the hospital during the long afternoons, or back at my mom and Eddies house in the evenings Wed have long conversations during which Id weep and tell him every thing and he would cry with me and try to make it all just a tiny bit okay, but his words rang hollow It was almost as if I couldnt hear them at all What did he know about losing anything His parents were still alive and happily married to each other My connection with him and his gloriously unfractured life only seemed to increase my pain It wasnt his fault Being with him felt unbearable, but being with anyone else did too The only person I could bear to be with was the most unbearable person of all my mother.In the mornings, I would sit near her bed and try to read to her I had two books The Awakening, by Kate Chopin, and The Optimists Daughter, by Eudora Welty These were books wed read in college, books we loved So I started in, but I could not go on Each word I spoke erased itself in the air.It was the same when I tried to pray I prayed fervently, rabidly, to God, any god, to a god I could not identify or find I cursed my mother, whod not given me any religious education Resentful of her own repres sive Catholic upbringing, shed avoided church altogether in her adult life, and now she was dying and I didnt even have God I prayed to the whole wide universe and hoped that God would be in it, listening to me I prayed and prayed, and then I faltered Not because I couldnt find God, but because suddenly I absolutely did God was there, I realized, and God had no intention of making things happen or not, of saving my mothers life God was not a granter of wishes God was a ruthless bitch.The last couple of days of her life, my mother was not so much high as down under She was on a morphine drip by then, a clear bag of liquid flowing slowly down a tube that was taped to her wrist When she woke, shed say, Oh, oh Or shed let out a sad gulp of air Shed look at me, and there would be a flash of love Other times shed roll back into sleep as if I were not there Sometimes when my mother woke she did not know where she was She demanded an enchilada and then some apple sauce She believed that all the animals shed ever loved were in the room with herand there had been a lot Shed say, That horse darn near stepped on me, and look around for it accusingly, or her hands would move to stroke an invisible cat that lay at her hip During this time I wanted my mother to say to me that I had been the best daughter in the world I did not want to want this, but I did, inexplicably, as if I had a great fever that could be cooled only by those words I went so far as to ask her directly, Have I been the best daughter in the world She said yes, I had, of course.But this was not enough I wanted those words to knit together in my mothers mind and for them to be delivered, fresh, to me.I was ravenous for love.My mother died fast but not all of a sudden A slow burning fire when flames disappear to smoke and then smoke to air She didnt have time to get skinny She was altered but still fleshy when she died, the body of a woman among the living She had her hair too, brown and brittle and frayed from being in bed for weeks.From the room where she died I could see the great Lake Superior out her window The biggest lake in the world, and the coldest too To see it, I had to work I pressed my face sideways, hard, against the glass, and Id catch a slice of it going on forever into the horizon.A room with a view my mother exclaimed, though she was too weak to rise and see the lake herself And then quietly she said All of my life Ive waited for a room with a view.She wanted to die sitting up, so I took all the pillows I could get my hands on and made a backrest for her I wanted to take her from the hospital and prop her in a field of yarrow to die I covered her with a quilt that I had brought from home, one shed sewn herself out of pieces of our old clothing.Get that out of here, she growled savagely, and then kicked her legs like a swimmer to make it go away.I watched my mother Outside the sun glinted off the sidewalks and the icy edges of the snow It was Saint Patricks Day, and the nurses brought her a square block of green Jell O that sat quivering on the table beside her It would turn out to be the last full day of her life, and for most of it she held her eyes still and open, neither sleeping nor waking, intermittently lucid and hallucinatory.That evening I left her, though I didnt want to The nurses and doctors had told Eddie and me that this was it I took that to mean she would die in a couple of weeks I believed that people with cancer lingered Karen and Paul would be driving up together from Minneapolis the next morning and my mothers parents were due from Alabama in a couple of days, but Leif was still nowhere to be found Eddie and I had called Leif s friends and the parents of his friends, leaving pleading messages, asking him to call, but he hadnt called I decided to leave the hospital for one night so I could find him and bring him to the hospital once and for all.Ill be back in the morning, I said to my mother I looked over at Eddie, half lying on the little vinyl couch Ill come back with Leif.When she heard his name, she opened her eyes blue and blazing, the same as theyd always been In all this, they hadnt changed.How can you not be mad at him I asked her bitterly for perhaps the tenth time.You cant squeeze blood from a turnip, shed usually say Or, Cheryl, hes only eighteen But this time she just gazed at me and said, Honey, the same as she had when Id gotten angry about her socks The same as shed always done when shed seen me suffer because I wanted something to be different than it was and she was trying to convince me with that single word that I must accept things as they were.Well all be together tomorrow, I said And then well all stay here with you, okay None of us will leave I reached through the tubes that were draped all around her and stroked her shoulder I love you, I said, bending to kiss her cheek, though she fended me off, in too much pain to endure even a kiss.Love, she whispered, too weak to say the I and you Love, she said again as I left her room.I rode the elevator and went out to the cold street and walked along the sidewalk I passed a bar packed with people I could see through a big plate glass window They were all wearing shiny green paper hats and green shirts and green suspenders and drinking green beer A man inside met my eye and pointed at me drunkenly, his face breaking into silent laughter.I drove home and fed the horses and hens and got on the phone, the dogs gratefully licking my hands, our cat nudging his way onto my lap I called everyone who might know where my brother was He was drinking a lot, some said Yes, it was true, said others, hed been hanging out with a girl from St Cloud named Sue At midnight the phone rang and I told him that this was it.I wanted to scream at him when he walked in the door a half hour later, to shake him and rage and accuse, but when I saw him, all I could do was hold him and cry He seemed so old to me that night, and so very young too For the first time, I saw that hed become a man and yet also I could see what a little boy he was My little boy, the one Id half mothered all of my life, having no choice but to help my mom all those times shed been away at work Karen and I were three years apart, but wed been raised as if we were practically twins, the two of us equally in charge of Leif as kids.I cant do this, he kept repeating through his tears I cant live without Mom I cant I cant I cant.We have to, I replied, though I couldnt believe it myself We lay together in his single bed talking and crying into the wee hours until, side by side, we drifted off to sleep.I woke a few hours later and, before waking Leif, fed the animals and loaded bags full of food we could eat during our vigil at the hospital By eight oclock we were on our way to Duluth, my brother driving our mothers car too fast while U2s Joshua Tree blasted out of the speakers We listened intently to the music without talking, the low sun cutting brightly into the snow on the sides of the road.When we reached our mothers room at the hospital, we saw a sign on her closed door instructing us to check in at the nurses station before entering This was a new thing, but I assumed it was only a procedural matter A nurse approached us in the hallway as we walked toward the station, and before I spoke she said, We have ice on her eyes She wanted to donate her corneas, so we need to keep the ice What I said with such intensity that she jumped.I didnt wait for an answer I ran to my mothers room, my brother right behind me When I opened the door, Eddie stood and came for us with his arms outstretched, but I swerved away and dove for my mom Her arms lay waxen at her sides, yellow and white and black and blue, the needles and tubes removed Her eyes were covered by two surgical gloves packed with ice, their fat fingers lolling clownishly across her face When I grabbed her, the gloves slid off Bouncing onto the bed, then onto the floor.I howled and howled and howled, rooting my face into her body like an animal Shed been dead an hour Her limbs had cooled, but her belly was still an island of warm I pressed my face into the warmth and howled some .I dreamed of her incessantly In the dreams I was always with her when she died It was me who would kill her Again and again and again She commanded me to do it, and each time I would get down on my knees and cry, begging her not to make me, but she would not relent, and each time, like a good daughter, I ultimately complied I tied her to a tree in our front yard and poured gasoline over her head, then lit her on fire I made her run down the dirt road that passed by the house wed built and then ran her over with my truck I dragged her body, caught on a jagged piece of metal underneath, until it came loose, and then I put my truck in reverse and ran her over again I took a miniature baseball bat and beat her to death with it, slow and hard and sad I forced her into a hole Id dug and kicked dirt and stones on top of her and buried her alive These dreams were not surreal They took place in plain, ordinary light They were the documentary films of my subconscious and felt as real to me as life My truck was really my truck our front yard was our actual front yard the miniature baseball bat sat in our closet among the umbrellas.I didnt wake from these dreams crying I woke shrieking Paul grabbed me and held me until I was quiet He wetted a washcloth with cool water and put it over my face But those wet washcloths couldnt wash the dreams of my mother away.Nothing did Nothing would Nothing could ever bring my mother back or make it okay that she was gone Nothing would put me beside her the moment she died It broke me up It cut me off It tumbled me end over end.It took me years to take my place among the ten thousand things again To be the woman my mother raised To remember how she said honey and picture her particular gaze I would suffer I would suffer I would want things to be different than they were The wanting was a wilderness and I had to find my own way out of the woods It took me four years, seven months, and three days to do it I didnt know where I was going until I got there.It was a place called the Bridge of the Gods.2SPLITTINGIf I had to draw a map of those four plus years to illustrate the time between the day of my mothers death and the day I began my hike on the Pacific Crest Trail, the map would be a confusion of lines in all directions, like a crackling Fourth of July sparkler with Minnesota at its inevitable center To Texas and back To New York City and back To New Mexico and Arizona and Nevada and California and Oregon and back To Wyoming and back To Portland, Oregon, and back To Port land and back again And again But those lines wouldnt tell the story The map would illuminate all the places I ran to, but not all the ways I tried to stay It wouldnt show you how in the months after my mother died, I attemptedand failedto fill in for her in an effort to keep my family together Or how Id struggled to save my marriage, even while I was dooming it with my lies It would only seem like that rough star, its every bright line shooting out.By the time I arrived in the town of Mojave, California, on the night before I began hiking the PCT, Id shot out of Minnesota for the last time Id even told my mother that, not that she could hear Id sat in the flowerbed in the woods on our land, where Eddie, Paul, my siblings, and I had mixed her ashes in with the dirt and laid a tombstone, and explained to her that I wasnt going to be around to tend her grave any Which meant that no one would I finally had no choice but to leave her grave to go back to the weeds and blown down tree branchesand fallen pinecones To snow and whatever the ants and deer and black bears and ground wasps wanted to do with her I lay down in the mother ash dirt among the crocuses and told her it was okay That Id surren dered That since she died, everything had changed Things she couldnt have imagined and wouldnt have guessed My words came out low and steadfast I was so sad it felt as if someone were choking me, and yet it seemed my whole life depended on my getting those words out She would always be my mother, I told her, but I had to go She wasnt there for me in that flowerbed any anyway, I explained Id put her some where else The only place I could reach her In me.The next day I left Minnesota forever I was going to hike the PCT.It was the first week of June I drove to Portland in my 1979 Chevy Luv pickup truck loaded with a dozen boxes filled with dehydrated food and backpacking supplies Id spent the previous weeks compil ing them, addressing each box to myself at places Id never been, stops along the PCT with evocative names like Echo Lake and Soda Springs, Burney Falls and Seiad Valley I left my truck and the boxes with my friend Lisa in Portlandshed be mailing the boxes to me throughout the summerand boarded a plane to Los Angeles, then caught a ride to Mojave with the brother of a friend.We pulled into town in the early evening, the sun dipping into the Tehachapi Mountains a dozen miles behind us to the west Mountains Id be hiking the next day The town of Mojave is at an altitude of nearly 2,800 feet, though it felt to me as if I were at the bottom of something instead, the signs for gas stations, restaurants, and motels rising higher than the highest tree.You can stop here, I said to the man whod driven me from LA, gesturing to an old style neon sign that said whites motel with the word television blazing yellow above it and vacancy in pink beneath By the worn look of the building, I guessed it was the cheapest place in town Perfect for me.Thanks for the ride, I said once wed pulled into the lot Youre welcome, he said, and looked at me You sure youre okay Yes, I replied with false confidence Ive traveled alone a lot I got out with my backpack and two oversized plastic department store bags full of things Id meant to take everything from the bags and fit it into my backpack before leaving Portland, but I hadnt had the time Id brought the bags here instead Id get everything together in my room.Good luck, said the man.I watched him drive away The hot air tasted like dust, the dry wind whipping my hair into my eyes The parking lot was a field of tiny white pebbles cemented into place the motel, a long row of doors and win dows shuttered by shabby curtains I slung my backpack over my shoul ders and gathered the bags It seemed strange to have only these things I felt suddenly exposed, less exuberant than I had thought I would Id spent the past six months imagining this moment, but now that it was herenow that I was only a dozen miles from the PCT itselfit seemed less vivid than it had in my imaginings, as if I were in a dream, my every thought liquid slow, propelled by will rather than instinct Go inside, I had to tell myself before I could move toward the motel office Ask for a room.Its eighteen dollars, said the old woman who stood behind the counter With rude emphasis, she looked past me, out the glass door through which Id entered moments before Unless youve got a com panion Its for two.I dont have a companion, I said, and blushedit was only when I was telling the truth that I felt as if I were lying That guy was just dropping me off.Its eighteen dollars for now, then, she replied, but if a companion joins you, youll have to pay .A companion wont be joining me, I said evenly I pulled a twenty dollar bill from the pocket of my shorts and slid it across the counter to her She took my money and handed me two dollars and a card to fill out with a pen attached to a bead chain Im on foot, so I cant do the car section, I said, gesturing to the form I smiled, but she didnt smile back AlsoI dont really have an address Im traveling, so IWrite down the address youll be returning to, she said See, thats the thing Im not sure where Ill live afterwards because Your folks, then, she barked Wherever home is Okay, I said, and wrote Eddies address, though in truth my connection to Eddie in the four years since my mother died had become so pained and distant I couldnt rightly consider him my stepfather any I had no home, even though the house we built still stood Leif and Karen and I were inextricably bound as siblings, but we spoke and saw one another rarely, our lives profoundly different Paul and I had finalized our divorce the month before, after a harrowing yearlong separation I had beloved friends whom I sometimes referred to as family, but our commitments to each other were informal and intermittent, familial in word than in deed Blood is thicker than water, my mother had always said when I was growing up, a sentiment Id often disputed But it turned out that it didnt matter whether she was right or wrong They both flowed out of my cupped palms.Here you are, I said to the woman, sliding the form across the coun ter in her direction, though she didnt turn to me for several moments She was watching a small television that sat on a table behind the coun ter The evening news Something about the O J Simpson trial.Do you think hes guilty she asked, still looking at the TV.It seems like it, but its too soon to know, I guess We dont have all the information yet.Of course he did it she shouted.When she finally gave me a key, I walked across the parking lot to a door at the far end of the building, unlocked it and went inside, and set my things down and sat on the soft bed I was in the Mojave Desert, but the room was strangely dank, smelling of wet carpet and Lysol A vented white metal box in the corner roared to lifea swamp cooler that blew icy air for a few minutes and then turned itself off with a dramatic clatter that only exacerbated my sense of uneasy solitude.I thought about going out and finding myself a companion It was such an easy thing to do The previous years had been a veritable feast of one and two and three night stands They seemed so ridiculous to me now, all that intimacy with people I didnt love, and yet still I ached for the simple sensation of a body pressed against mine, obliterating everything else I stood up from the bed to shake off the longing, to stop my mind from its hungry whir I could go to a bar I could let a man buy me a drink We could be back here in a flash.Just behind that longing was the urge to call Paul He was my ex husband now, but he was still my best friend As much as Id pulled away from him in the years after my mothers death, Id also leaned hard into him In the midst of my mostly silent agonizing over our marriage, wed had good times, been, in oddly real ways, a happy couple.The vented metal box in the corner turned itself on again and I went to stand before it, letting the frigid air blow against my bare legs I was dressed in the clothes Id been wearing since Id left Portland the night before, every last thing brand new It was my hiking outfit and in it I felt a bit foreign, like someone I hadnt yet become Wool socks beneath a pair of leather hiking boots with metal fasts Navy blue shorts with important looking pockets that closed with Velcro tabs Under wear made of a special quick dry fabric and a plain white T shirt over a sports bra.They were among the many things Id spent the winter and spring saving up my money to buy, working as many shifts as I could get at the restaurant where I waited tables When Id purchased them, they hadnt felt foreign to me In spite of my recent forays into edgy urban life, I was easily someone who could be described as outdoorsy I had, after all, spent my teen years roughing it in the Minnesota northwoods My fam ily vacations had always involved some form of camping, and so had the trips Id taken with Paul or alone or with friends Id slept in the back of my truck, camped out in parks and national forests times than I could count But now, here, having only these clothes at hand, I felt sud denly like a fraud In the six months since Id decided to hike the PCT, Id had at least a dozen conversations in which I explained why this trip was a good idea and how well suited I was to the challenge But now, alone in my room at Whites Motel, I knew there was no denying the fact that I was on shaky ground.Perhaps you should try a shorter trip first, Paul had suggested when I told him about my plan during one of our should we stay together or get divorced discussions several months before.Why Id asked with irritation Dont you think I can hack it It isnt that, he said Its only that youve never gone backpacking, as far as I know.Ive gone backpacking Id said indignantly, though he was right I hadnt In spite of all the things Id done that struck me as related to backpacking, Id never actually walked into the wilderness with a back pack on and spent the night Not even once Ive never gone backpacking I thought with a rueful hilarity now I looked suddenly at my pack and the plastic bags Id toted with me from Portland that held things I hadnt yet taken from their packaging My backpack was forest green and trimmed with black, its body composed of three large compartments rimmed by fat pockets of mesh and nylon that sat on either side like big ears It stood of its own volition, sup ported by the unique plastic shelf that jutted out along its bottom That it stood like that instead of slumping over onto its side as other packs did provided me a small, strange comfort I went to it and touched its top as if I were caressing a childs head A month ago, Id been firmly advised to pack my backpack just as I would on my hike and take it on a trial run Id meant to do it before I left Minneapolis, and then Id meant to do it once I got to Portland But I hadnt My trial run would be tomorrowmy first day on the trail.I reached into one of the plastic bags and pulled out an orange whis tle, whose packaging proclaimed it to be the worlds loudest I ripped it open and held the whistle up by its yellow lanyard, then put it around my neck, as if I were a coach Was I supposed to hike wearing it like this It seemed silly, but I didnt know Like so much else, when Id purchased the worlds loudest whistle, I hadnt thought it all the way through I took it off and tied it to the frame of my pack, so it would dangle over my shoulder when I hiked There, it would be easy to reach, should I need it.Would I need it I wondered meekly, bleakly, flopping down on the bed It was well past dinnertime, but I was too anxious to feel hungry, my aloneness an uncomfortable thunk that filled my gut.You finally got what you wanted, Paul had said when we bade each other goodbye in Minneapolis ten days before.Whats that Id asked.To be alone, he replied, and smiled, though I could only nod uncer tainly.It had been what I wanted, though alone wasnt quite it What I had to have when it came to love was beyond explanation, it seemed The end of my marriage was a great unraveling that began with a letter that arrived a week after my mothers death, though its beginnings went back further than that.The letter wasnt for me It was for Paul Fresh as my grief was, I still dashed excitedly into our bedroom and handed it to him when I saw the return address It was from the New School in New York City In another lifetimeonly three months before, in the days before I learned my mother had cancerId helped him apply to a PhD program in political philosophy Back in mid January, the idea of living in New York City had seemed like the most exciting thing in the world But now, in late Marchas he ripped the letter open and exclaimed that hed been accepted, as I embraced him and in every way seemed to be celebrating this good newsI felt myself splitting in two There was the woman I was before my mom died and the one I was now, my old life sitting onthe surface of me like a bruise The real me was beneath that, pulsing under all the things I used to think I knew How Id finish my BA in June and a couple of months later, off wed go How wed rent an apartment in the East Village or Park Slopeplaces Id only imagined and read about How Id wear funky ponchos with adorable knitted hats and cool boots while becoming a writer in the same romantic, down and out way that so many of my literary heroes and heroines had.All of that was impossible now, regardless of what the letter said My mom was dead My mom was dead My mom was dead Everything I ever imagined about myself had disappeared into the crack of her last breath.I couldnt leave Minnesota My family needed me Who would help Leif finish growing up Who would be there for Eddie in his loneliness Who would make Thanksgiving dinner and carry on our family traditions Someone had to keep what remained of our family together And that someone had to be me I owed at least that much to my mother.You should go without me, I said to Paul as he held the letter And I said it again and again as we talked throughout the next weeks, my conviction growing by the day Part of me was terrified by the idea of him leaving me another part of me desperately hoped he would If he left, the door of our marriage would swing shut without my having to kick it I would be free and nothing would be my fault I loved him, but Id been impetuous and nineteen when wed wed not remotely ready to commit myself to another person, no matter how dear he was Though Id had attractions to other men since shortly after we married, Id kept them in check But I couldnt do that any My grief obliterated my ability to hold back So much had been denied me, I reasoned Why should I deny myself My mom had been dead a week when I kissed another man And another a week after that I only made out with them and the others that followedvowing not to cross a sexual line that held some meaning to mebut still I knew I was wrong to cheat and lie I felt trapped by my own inability to either leave Paul or stay true, so I waited for him to leave me, to go off to graduate school alone, though of course he refused.He deferred his admission for a year and we stayed in Minnesota so I could be near my family, though my nearness in the year that followed my mothers death accomplished little It turned out I wasnt able to keep my family together I wasnt my mom It was only after her death that I realized who she was the apparently magical force at the center of our family whod kept us all invisibly spinning in the powerful orbit around her Without her, Eddie slowly became a stranger Leif and Karen and I drifted into our own lives Hard as I fought for it to be otherwise, finally I had to admit it too without my mother, we werent what wed been we were four people floating separately among the flotsam of our grief, connected by only the thinnest rope I never did make that Thanksgiving dinner By the time Thanksgiving rolled around eight months after my mom died, my family was something I spoke of in the past tense.So when Paul and I finally moved to New York City a year after we had originally intended to, I was happy to go There, I could have a fresh start I would stop messing around with men I would stop grieving so fiercely I would stop raging over the family I used to have I would be a writer who lived in New York City I would walk around wearing cool boots and an adorable knitted hat.It didnt go that way I was who I was the same woman who pulsed beneath the bruise of her old life, only now I was somewhere else.During the day I wrote stories at night I waited tables and made out with one of the two men I was simultaneously not crossing the line with Wed lived in New York only a month when Paul dropped out of gradu ate school, deciding he wanted to play guitar instead Six months later, we left altogether, returning briefly to Minnesota before departing on a months long working road trip all across the West, making a wide circle that included the Grand Canyon and Death Valley, Big Sur and San Francisco At trips end in late spring, we landed in Portland and found restaurant jobs, staying first with my friend Lisa in her tiny apartment and then on a farm ten miles outside the city, wherein exchange for looking after a goat and a cat and a covey of exotic game henswe got to live rent free for the summer We pulled the futon from our truck and slept on it in the living room under a big wide window that looked out over a filbert orchard We took long walks and picked berries and made love I can do this, I thought I can be Pauls wife.But again I was wrong I could only be who it seemed I had to be Only now so I didnt even remember the woman I was before my life had split in two Living in that little farmhouse on the edge of Portland, a few months past the second anniversary of my mothers death, I wasnt worried about crossing the line any When Paul accepted a job offer in Minneapolis that required him to return to Minnesota midway through our exotic hen sitting gig, I stayed behind in Oregon and fucked the ex boyfriend of the woman who owned the exotic hens I fucked a cook at the restaurant where Id picked up a job waiting tables I fucked a massage therapist who gave me a piece of banana cream pie and a free massage All three of them over the span of five days.It seemed to me the way it must feel to people who cut themselves on purpose Not pretty, but clean Not good, but void of regret I was trying to heal Trying to get the bad out of my system so I could be good again To cure me of myself At summers end, when I returned to Minneapolis to live with Paul, I believed I had I thought I was different, better, done And I was for a time, sailing faithfully through the autumn and into the new year Then I had another affair I knew I was at the end of a line I couldnt bear myself any longer I had to finally speak the words to Paul that would tear my life apart Not that I didnt love him But that I had to be alone, though I didnt know why.My mom had been dead three years.When I said all the things I had to say, we both fell onto the floor and sobbed The next day, Paul moved out Slowly we told our friends that we were splitting up We hoped we could work it out, we said We were not necessarily going to get divorced First, they were in disbeliefwed seemed so happy, they all said Next, they were madnot at us, but at me One of my dearest friends took the photograph of me she kept in a frame, ripped it in half, and mailed it to me Another made out with Paul When I was hurt and jealous about this, I was told by another friend that this was exactly what I deserved a taste of my own medicine I couldnt rightfully disagree, but still my heart was broken I lay alone on our futon feeling myself almost levitate from pain.Three months into our separation, we were still in a torturous limbo I wanted neither to get back together with Paul nor to get divorced I wanted to be two people so I could do both Paul was dating a smattering of women, but I was suddenly celibate Now that Id smashed up my marriage over sex, sex was the furthest thing from my mind.You need to get the hell out of Minneapolis, said my friend Lisa during one of our late night heartbreak conversations Come visit me in Portland, she said.Within the week, I quit my waitressing job, loaded up my truck, and drove west, traveling the same route Id take exactly one year later on my way to hike the Pacific Crest Trail.Spectacular A literary and human triumph The New York Times Book ReviewI was on the edge of my seat It is just a wild ride of a read stimulating, thought provoking, soul enhancing Oprah Winfrey, on Wild, first selection of her Book Club 2.0Strayeds language is so vivid, sharp and compelling that you feel the heat of the desert, the frigid ice of the High Sierra, and the breathtaking power of one remarkable woman finding her wayand herselfone brave step at a time People 4 stars An addictive, gorgeous book that not only entertains, but leaves us the better for having read it Strayed is a formidable talent The Boston GlobeOne of the most original, heartbreaking, and beautiful American memoirs in years Awe inspiring NPR BooksCinematic A rich, riveting story Our verdict A Entertainment WeeklyPretty much obliterated me I was reduced, during the books final third, to puddle eyed cretinism As loose and sexy and dark as an early Lucinda Williams song Its got a punk spirit and makes an earthy and American sound The cumulative welling up I experienced during Wild was partly a response to that too infrequent sight that of a writer finding her voice, and sustaining it, right in front of your eyes Dwight Garner, The New York Times Brave seems like the right word to sum up this woman and her book Strayeds journey is exceptional San Francisco ChronicleOne of the best books Ive read in the last five or ten years Wild is angry, brave, sad, self knowing, redemptive, raw, compelling, and brilliantly written, and I think its destined to be loved by a lot of people, men and women, for a very long time Nick HornbyDevastating and glorious By laying bare a great unspoken truth of adulthoodthat many things in life dont turn out the way you want them to, and that you can and must live through them anyway Wild feels real in many ways that many books about finding oneself do not SlateIncisive and telling Strayed has the ineffable gift every writer longs for of saying exactly what she means in lines that are both succinct and poetic an inborn talent for articulating angst and the gratefulness that comes when we overcome it The Washington PostVivid, touching and ultimately inspiring account of a life unraveling and of the journey that put it back together The Wall Street JournalStrayed catalogs her epic hike with a raw emotional power that makes the book difficult to put down In walking, and finally, years later, in writing, Strayed finds her way again And her path is as dazzlingly beautiful as it is tragic Los Angeles TimesA fearless story, told in honest prose that is wildly lyrical as often as it is dirtily physical Minneapolis Star Tribune This isnt Cinderella in hiking boots, its a woman coming out of heartbreak, darkness and bad decisions with a clear view of where she has been There are adventures and characters aplenty, from heartwarming to dangerous, but Strayed resists the temptation to overplay or sweeten such moments Her pacing is impeccable as she captures her impressive journey The Seattle TimesStrayeds journey was at least as transcendent as it was turbulent She faced down hunger, thirst, injury, fatigue, boredom, loss, bad weather, and wild animals Yet she also reached new levels of joy, accomplishment, courage, peace, and found extraordinary companionship The Christian Science MonitorStrayed writes a crisp scene her sentences hum with energy She can describe a trail parched yearning for Snapple like no writer I know It becomes impossible not to root for her The Plain DealerBrilliant Cheryl Strayed emerges from her grief stricken journey as a practitioner of a rare and vital vocation She has become an intrepid cartographer of the human heart Houston ChronicleA deeply honest memoir about mother and daughter, solitude and courage, and regaining footing one step at a time VogueThis is abig, brave, break your heart and put it back together again kind of book.Cheryl Strayed is a courageous,gritty, and deceptively elegant writer She walked the PCT to find forgiveness,came back with generosityand now she shares her reward with us.I snorted with laughter, I wept uncontrollably I dont even want to knowthe person who isnt going to love Wild.This is a beautifully made, utterly realizedbook Pam Houston, author of Contents May Have Shiftedand Cowboys are My Weakness Minnesota Wild complete coverage Complete coverage of the Minnesota Wild, from training camp until final game and through postseason, with Mike Russo s Rants blog, discussion forums, columns Official Website NHL The most up to date breaking news for including highlights, roster, schedule, scores archives Wild From Lost Found on Pacific Crest Trail Movie Tie in Edition Trail Cheryl Strayed FREE shipping qualifying offers NATIONAL Wet n Orlando Home Wet premier water park, features signature thrill rides a full day fun entire family Yeast Notes my kitchen, which I I bake bread raise few other matters Het beste vlees, wild gevogelte voor horeca en thuis Vakslagerij Eppink maakt al meer dan zeven generaties lang ambachtelijke vlees vleeswarenproducten zowel de professionele keuken als Gym info wildgym Kroonstraat Veltem Gymnastiek Federatie Acrorock Freerunning Facebook Gym pagina Show Privacy verklaring Build Your Self This content requires latest version Adobe Flash Player browser JavaScript enabled Get WILD gun military shop website contains information, links, images videos sexually explicit materialIf you are under age , if such material offends or itWILD Strayed web site is maintained by Strayed, author Tiny Beautiful Things, Torch Brave Enough Cheryl Wikipdia stre d ne Nyland le septembre est une romancire et essayiste amricaine Ses essais personnels ont t largement publis dans memoir American describing her mile hike CHERYL STRAYED New York Times best seller Trail, was first selection Oprah Book Dear Sugar Steve Almond Episodes We Love Power Of No, Part There incredible power saying yes It opens avenues allows us be brave In case, it Someday, Nasty Woman Like number one among books My kids didn have school after Donald Trump Tiny Things Advice Life wound having slightly mixed feelings about this book Other reviewers already pointed out that spends far time telling own stories than Pacific Association All things WILD movie Reese Witherspoon stories, PCT advice PCTA portal Wikipedia Common meanings animal Wilderness, natural environment Wildness, quality being untamed Art, media entertainment Computer video Oprah Club List THE COMPLETE LIST beho IMBOLo C Behold 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    • Format Kindle
    • Wild
    • Cheryl Strayed
    • Anglais
    • 06 June 2016
    • 338 pages

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